Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My IzzyJane and our story

My Sweet baby girl IzzyJane 
You came into this world "sleeping"


You were born with a silent heart, while mine is trying to keep beating. 
You and I were a team for 41 weeks, and it came to end way to soon. 
We went in to the doctors thinking we would get to take you home with us, that was until we found out that your heart was no longer beating. 

We will always wonder why it turned out this way, because I know you miss me as much as I miss you! We might toss and turn, trying to figure it out why an umbilical cord can create a life, and then take it away, but I do know that there are no answers cause you are perfectly beautiful. Your spirit gave me purpose in life and I was so scared to have you come out of me and not have your spirit there. Your Dad was our savior, our strength, without him I don't know if i could have done it. I will always wonder why they didn't induce me at 40 weeks when we were still together. 

When they did induce me I was in labor for 7 hours, our whole family was there trying to make me laugh, yet we were all breaking. Aunt Katie got inspired and bought us matching "Forever" bracelets. I wear mine everyday, as do you, You will forever be mine and I yours! 
Then it came time to deliver you, I was crying knowing that you already been delivered into the hands of God. I had dreamt about this moment every night and now it was so real yet so far gone to know that I wouldn't hear your cries made my cries louder.

I some how got power and strength and was able to push you into the world. Words cannot even describe what a miracle giving birth is, it only took 30 minutes and then you were all mine to hold, to smell, and to see. I know you were with us in spirit, but oh IzzyJane, I wished a miracle could have brought you back to me! 
Your body was so warm, your body was perfect, your face was absolutely gorgeous, your hands and feet were so precious! 
I watched dad weigh you, and I was shocked that you weighed only 6lb 6oz because you looked so full and plump, yet you were so long and skinny. I guess you get both from me, a little plump but long! 

The nurses were amazing, and set up a photographer to come and take pictures of our family.
It was a spiritual moment, knowing we are a family yet your spirit is with our heavenly father. 
We then had our family come in to greet you, the love that we all have for you is indescribable. We all took turns examining you, all is awe that you were created inside of me and so perfect. 

You are truly a gift from God. 

We got to have you all night, and the next day. we couldn't sleep, yearning for these moments that we weren't going to take home with us. 
I cuddled you, held your hand, feeling how sweet your spirit is and holding on to every scent! 
Dad took pictures of you all night, holding you on his chest, weeping. 
We even cut some of your long brown hair!

The next day we didn't wake up from this nightmare, and the hours were slipping by so fast, I couldn't bare to leave you. How could a mother and father leave their child? It was unbearable, even though we know you were with us. 
We dressed you, swaddled you, and handed you to the nurse, and walked away empty. Ohhh how I dreamt of this all being different and the only hope I have is that I can do it all again. I now go through  the days without you, yearning for you. I visit your resting place daily (as your cousin London calls it, Izzy's Palace) and I feel you close, but it will never be the same without you!
 You are my Joy,  you are my light.

I will always feel a longing to hold you, hear you, see you, but I do know you are holding me, listening to me and watching over me. When I smile, I can see your smile, when I cry I know you are catching my tears, and when I talk to you I know you are listening. You will forever be mine!
I love you more than words can express. 

Love your momma





31 comments:

The Bennett's said...

Molly i am sitting here cry thinking about you. Words can not explain how sorry i am. I love you with all my heart and I know she her sweet little spirit will stay with you always.
Love Ally

The Hille's said...

So beautiful! I can't hold back the tears!

Ellen and Austin said...

Molly I am so sorry about your loss. I'm in tears reading about your story. I wrote this on your facebook but unsure if you got it. "One way to have a piece of heaven in your home is to have a piece of your home in heaven" She will be watching over you and your family everyday. You now have a special little angel!!! You are in my thoughts.

Brittney said...

Molly you are so beautiful, inside and out. I feel for you, and sorry that I am not close just to hug you and tell you I love you. I hope you dont think I havent thought about you every day! But I wanted to give you time to yourself, because I have a small feeling of how it feels, but nothing close to your loss. I love you and Izzy is so beautiful! You are strong and I hope to see you soon.

Michelle said...

molly, you are one amazing, stong woman!

sending love at this time.

The Sorensen's said...

Molly, thanks for sharing your beautiful story! I can't wait to see you soon!

Em said...

What an amazingly beautiful tribute. You had me in tears (saving her hair..). You, Danny and Izzy are in our prayers.

Chad and Megan said...

That was beautifully written. Tears are streaming down my face. Our prayers will continue to be with you and your family.

We love you,
Chad and Megan Moss

Natalie said...

WOW sweetheart you are so strong! I loved spending those few moments with Izzy Jane. She was perfect in all ways! I know that her little heart beats strong with our Father in Heaven. Everyday I think of the agonizing pain that our brother Jesus Christ went through for you and all of us. For those moments that you try to stay strong and hold back your tears, he is there holding you, crying with you about this crazy upset in your life. I know that you are an amazing mother to Izzy Jane and will continue to be for all your future children! I love you more than words can express. Thank you for sharing Izzy Jane's time with us.

Emily said...

Molly you are an unbelievable women and I mean UNBELIEVABLE. This was so beautifully written and I am hurting for you and Danny. I will be forever touched by this post. Your little story has brought me to tears so many times and I am praying you will be ok. Words can not express how sorry I am that this happened. Izzy Jane is a perfect angel.

Anonymous said...

You don't me and I don't know you but I stumbled across your blog from a mutual friends. I myself have a little angel waiting, Lauren, who was born January 29th 2010. I was just 13 days shy of 40 weeks. I know your pain your feeling right now. It will never go away but it will get easier to deal with. You did the best thing possible by having family pictures taken. Display them. Don't ever be ashamed of them. We have them everywhere in our home. Don't be afraid to tell people that you have a child... if they ask tell them about her. It helps to talk about her, makes her spirit stay strong and with you. Celebrate milestones. We have celebrated a month, 6 months, a year, etc. While its not a normal celebration we go to her grave, buy new flowers, go thru all her pictures and talk about her with her brother and sister. I promise that the hurt gets easier. There will come a day when you realize that its been 6 hours that you haven't thought about her and cried, and then soon it will be a whole day and then a week and then your not really sad about it ever and more relishing in the fact that you got to have an actual angel with you for so long.

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."

Russel M. Nelson

There are lots of wonderful support groups, marches, remembrance walks. Participate in all of them, it really does help.

With love,
Meagan (from Las Vegas)

Anonymous said...

Molly and Danny you two are amazing and your experience was written so well I was just crying feeling your pain. She is a beautiful little angel! Thank you for sharing your story!!

Brooke Hirschi Williamsen

Vic, Linds, and the girls... said...

I have not stopped thinking of you guys since I heard this. Know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. She is absolutely beautiful. I hope you find comfort and peace knowing you will be together forever. Much love.

Stephanie said...

I am Danny's step-cousin and I am SO sorry for your loss! I so want to be a mother and it's unimagineable to me what you two are going through. All I know is your baby girl has an awesome great grandpa and 2 great grandma's cuddling her in Heaven! Our prayers will be with you!

Amanda said...

Molls-
I am truly amazed at how strong both you and Danny are! I can't imagine the hardships of this whole experience. You are such a beautiful woman and i miss you!!! Much love!

Allison said...

Oh Molly, I'm so so sorry for you guys. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us. We love you and hope you can find some comfort in these trying days.

Allison Maughan Clarke

Tyler said...

Molly- You probably don't know me, but I had to say something. I have been completely touched by your story and your strength. I think about you and your sweet baby often, I just can't imagine. I have prayed for you and know that you will some day hold your perfect little angel again. Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you don't mind that I read it.
Devrie Fielding Pettit

Ashley Richards said...

Molly and Danny, my husband and I are sitting here in tears reading about beautiful IzzyJane. We are so sorry. How I wish there were answers. We do know she will always be yours, but we wish she was here with you.

We love you both,

Ash & John Richards

The Beck Family said...

Molly, I was heart broken when your mom told me about Izzy Jane. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you will be able to find peace. It makes me realize how precious every moment is with your child. Your words are amazing, I can feel your strength and faith knowing she is waiting for you now to be an eternal family. Thank you for sharing your story. She is a beautiful girl and I can not imagine how much joy and sorrow she has brought to your life. My prayers are with you.
Rebekah

Scott & Annie said...

Molly and Danny,

This is so beautiful. I am so touched by your strength and so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful baby girl she is! You are in our prayers...I don't know how you feel, but I KNOW you will continue to have blessings poured out to you from our loving Heavenly Father.

Anonymous said...

IzzyJane = LOVE
Molly & Danny - you are the most amazing couple. Watching the two of you throughout this experience has been inspiring. The love and respect you have for each other is priceless. I have been in love with IzzyJane since the day you told me you were pregnant. Molly & Danny & IzzyJane you changed my heart. The love you shared with all of us was amazing. You let us love on you, on her and you didn't push us away while your hearts were breaking. Thank you for letting us be there for you with OPEN arms, for letting us try to hold and mend your broken hearts. I pray for a day when our hearts hurt less. But i I am grateful for the lesson on LOVE that IzzyJane gave me...... I love your family!
love jeni

Charlotte and Dugan Frehner said...

You are truly amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. Your sweet angel was perfect and came for her body and then had to leave. You are such a strong women. My love and prayers are with you.

Keri Cannon said...

Molly and Danny my heart and prayers are with you! I'm crying right now reading this post. I love you guys and look up to you guys for the things you have gone through.

April Lupus said...

Hey Molly,
My Heart goes out to you and your family. What a beautiful, hard blessing you've been given. Instead of normal you got angel. My baby girl Autumn Faith passed away during delivery july 27th 2011. It's amazing to see the Lords hand in our lives. Your little Izzy will visit you in spirit and in your dreams. Maybe our two girls are running together in Heaven causing trouble. It is no accident when a child is given the blessing of life eternal. Now we have the hard part of working hard in this life to make sure they aren't alone in the end but have us by their side. I pray for your heart and spirit that you may find the beauty in this hard time.
Love, April Lupus (Baird)

Mary Jason and boys said...

Molly & Danny, she is beautiful and that was a touching story. I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I read it. I know you will be with her for eternity.

Trav and Lizzie said...

Beautiful post, thank you for sharing your courageous story. It really broke my heart to hear this news. What a relief that families are forever.

Renel said...

Hi Molly, Thanks for commenting on my blog...I wish we didn't share June 30th as the worst day we will ever know! It is strange to think we were both going through this living hell on the same day at the same time. It seems so lonely in dead baby land when the pregnancy was so perfect and smooth. Having your daughter die was just not something I thought was going to happen when I was full term. It is so hard to come home with no baby in your arms. I am so sad for us both. Thinking of you and Izzy Jane

LauraJane said...

IzzyJane is so beautiful. I'm so sorry she's not here with you.

mcwally said...

I am a friend of your sister Katie's. When I heard your story, I started praying. You and your beautiful family have been in my prayers ever since.....

Anonymous said...

Molly I am so sorry about your loss. I'm in tears reading about your story. I have not had the loss of a child, having three boys myself, but this has truly hit my heart. Your story has made me realize that I am of the lucky and I need to embrace what I have. Thank you for your inspirations. You will forever be in my prayers.

Karen Beals said...

Hi Molly and Danny,
I don't know if you remember me, I'm Karen, your photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
I found your blog after my sister told me she had seen a segment on the news about Flutterby Izzy Jane. I said, "Hey! I know them! Izzy is a beautiful little angel I photographed!"
I am so happy to see that you are making something so wonderful out of such a tragedy. I bet Izzy Jane is so proud!! Just wanted to say hi, and let you know I think of you all often.
Karen