Fluttering By

I was sitting in the airplane, we were on the runway about to take off.
I was holding Cruz and my mind wandered....
It often does
It takes me right back to the moment she was born. No cries but pure love. I gasped at her beauty.
I was dreaming her...
at that moment Cruz pointed and there she was Fluttering around our window.
My Little BUTTERFLY
the plan took off with such force, just like life does.
Be still and I will see her.

encouragement

I remember the words of encouragment all too well.
Did I take them in? Or did they roll off my shoulder?
Many people tried to make the Molly they knew come back.
I knew it would take more than just their words to bring me back out of the darkness.
A BABY
I will never forget those dark days that are behind me. I Shutter just thinking about of awful they were.
One day I was in Target and of course avoiding the baby isle. This old man smiled at my tearful face.
Could he tell i was breaking? Could he see how much pain was in my whole being? I believed he could. The tears where rolling down my face, how could he miss them.  I walked to the car and thought  I was having a heart attack, I needed to go be with Izzy. I drove to the cemetery and called my cousin who had lost her first baby boy. I just pleaded with her to give me some encouraging words. To tell me some kind of words that might make it feel better, or that there was a purpose for all of this pain. The words she uttered to me I will never forget. You will be an even better mom, You will love your children with a different kind of love and appreciation, because you had to fight to get them here, and you have a baby that you will have to wait to hold kiss and love when you return to heaven.
And that is what got me through.
I did have to face the nightmare again
I did have to get pregnant
I did have to give birth again
and this time I was the best mom I could be!
I have loved on cruz the moment he was inside me.
I loved being pregnant (even though i was scared shitless)
I loved giving birth to him
I have loved the night time feedings,
The lack of sleep
The sore nipples,
His cries
His pee and poo all over me
all of him!
All because I had to fight to get him here. Every ounce of me had to get him here, for i knew he would make my heart happy, he would lift the dark cloud and I will be the best mom to him because I have loved and lost my sweet little baby girl, who i do miss and search for!
The little things that most people may complain about (with good reason) those things don't phase me.

I love every time he cries in the night, asking me to come hold him, feed him and rock him to sleep.
I love the bond that is unbreakable between a mother and her children
I love that he loves me, needs me, and knows that I Will take care of him
I love his smiles, his smell, his soft skin on mine.
Every time he nurses he rubs his hand on my chest, I always grab his hand and hold it and kiss it and wisper I LOVE YOU
He warms my heart.

I had to face my nightmare and do it all again, and it was worth it!
I love my children and miss them when they aren't close by.
I do feel IzzyJane's spirit.
I wonder who she would be, running around with blonde hair, blue eyes.
Would she be funny, sweet, sassy, shy???
She is almost 2................what? how? when? it feels like yesterday that I said hello and goodbye

but because of her I love so much deeper. xoxoxoxo

My babies! 

I think they look like eachother. 

chubby cheeks

cute button nose

lucious lips

head full of hair 

beautiful spirits! 

Understanding

JOY LOVE RENEWED

I know IzzyJane was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through but in some ways I didn't know why. I figured alot of people didn't know why either and as time went on, I think alot of people thought that I was getting over it or even appeared to be happy...
I now understand...
It's the simple JOY LOVE AND THE RENEWED life of an innocent baby!
It's their breaths
It's their smell
It's the time that you give
It's the quite nights nursing
It's the sucking noises
It's the first smiles and noises
It's the self sacrife of everything you can give and more
Every moment is devoted to him, my love, my joy, my Cruz!

My heart honestly hurts with so much love I have for him, he is my light, love, he is my son!
It hurts for the loss of our beautiful IzzyJane, all these moments we have with him are simply amazing and we truly got robbed of them with her!
That's why it hurts so bad!
Those months without her where long, dark, ugly and I'm so glad that they are now filled with Cruz!
He didn't replace her but he sure did bring us pure JOY!
I am in love with every noise, every smell he makes, and faces he pulls!
He is the sweetest baby, always happy, even tempered and so lovable!

I have joy back in my life and it feels so good!

We did it!

He's here and we did it!!! 

I can't even begin to explain how amazing it is to have my baby to hold, smell, love and smile with.
He is absolutely perfect. It was so surreal when he came into this world. My water broke at 3A.M October 8th i was 37 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, and the day before Danny and I went on a walk around our new neighborhood, we took a drive out up to park city.
I was having lots of contractions for a couple of weeks, they kept getting stronger and stronger and that night Cruz was moving all around and my contractions where coming on but nothing that stayed.
I woke up to go to the bathroom and laid back down and Cruz was seriously moving all around, i even said to him "slow down baby, i want to sleep" and then right then i heard a pop and I shot out of bed and sure enough my water was breaking!!
It was crazy! Danny was running all around the house getting things that i kinda prepared for this moment!
 We get in the car and i call the hospital to let them know we were on our way and the lady answered "OB emergency, this is IZZY, how can i help you?" ummmmmm hello?!?!?
If that wasn't a sign from God that Izzy is close to us then I don't know what is!
We got there and sure enough Izzy took care of us and was sooooo sweet. I told her I have a baby angel named Izzy, we both got teary eyed.
Sure enough i was in labor, it didn't take long for Cruz to make his appearance. I pushed him out in 4 minutes! He was just so ready to come into our world and heal our hearts. It's been amazing ever sense.
He is such a sweetie! I love kissing his face. I love his toes. I love holding him. I love that he needs me to survive. Ohhh I love him. I love him so much, that it hurts. He literally has changed my heart.
It hurts to know that I really did lose all this with Izzy, wow its so crazy that I've been without this for a year and a half, and now i have it! Every little thing he does, or we do together makes my heart leap with joy. I love it, I love him I Love Love him! Now i know why it was so painful to have lost Izzy, it hurts so much cause even though i don't have her I love love love her!
One morning i was talking to Cruz and I was talking about how special he is to come to our little family, telling him he has come here to heal our hearts and help us be closer to Izzy, and no joke he smiled his first smile. It was so amazing! I even had time to grab my phone and get a picture.
I kept talking to him about his sister and how leaving her was probably bittersweet, and yet I'm so glad he came down here! Ughhh I can't even express how much love I have for my babies!

Waiting for the time to pass....

Went to the zoo 

Did lots of crafts 

Played with Sloan 

Went to WICKED 

Cousins wedding, danced and laughed all night long! 

Went to St. George and saw Hairspray 

Played with my sis!

 Tiffany's wedding

Last but not least we finally found a house!!! Wahooooo 

I'm 9 months prego and were moving out to daybreak! Some may say i'm crazy but honestly it will be the best thing for me. I am so excited to have a fresh start. 

It'll be so nice to have a new baby room for Cruz, a room that is all his, and was meant to be his.

 A room where i can bring him home to with no sadness dwelling.

A room that is all boy, all his! 

We finally packed up IzzyJane's room as we packed up the rest of our house. 

It was sad, packing up her clothes. the clothes that we dreamt her in, the clothes that we brought to the hospital for her to come home in. 

There were only 2 outfits/onesies that cruz can wear and not look like a girl haha.

I am going to bring IzzyJane's blanket that we wrapped her in, with us to the hospital.

 I will put him in it and remember her sweet spirit. 

Embrace the newborn smell again, feel the weight of my baby in my arms, 

and listen to all the sounds he will make.

It'll make me miss her, but ohhh it will be so nice to have him here. I love him so much, sooooo much! 

Here he is!! He looks so handsome!!  

I honestly can't wait any longer...3 more weeks! 

I'm freaking out! Just want him here NOW!! 

Simplify

My goal these last 11 weeks of pregnancy

Simplify 

my thoughts

my answers

my fears

my worries

my "needs"

My world just seems so complicated to me, yet to everyone else its "soooo exciting" 

To put it simply, I am scared, I am tired, I am nervous, I am terrified, I am confused, I am grieving. 

I wish I was excited, happy, innocent, but i am not. How do you walk away from the hospital without your baby and leave her, only be buried... and then try it again with no control of the outcome?!?!?

I think to myself often, does anyone travel down the same path that causes so much pain, suffering, and loss just to have HOPE that it'll all work out the second time you try it? 

I don't think many people do beside childbirth, and marriage. Two HUGE things that we hope to love this person forever, and hope for the best outcomes, yet, it can all come crashing down on you in a matter of seconds....

so these last 11 weeks I hold my breath, and my belly, embrace the little mans kicks, and wish away to the time when I am holding him in my arms. 

Seeing his little eyes look up at me with knowledge that his big sister lead him here safe and sound, hearing his little noises, cries, screams,

smelling that newborn smell and feeling his chest rise and fall with every beat of his heart. 

ohhh how I ache, long, yearn to have all these things...12 months ago...I now ache, long and yearn for this little man to come into my life to fill this hole in my heart. 

Cruz, You are my son shine, 

so God, please don't take my son shine away! 

The 30th

Where has the time gone? 

I should have a one year old little girl, what would my life be like?

The only answer to that is I know what I am doing and although heartbreaking I love the 

FlutterBy IzzyJane Foundation

 I have never felt numb during this whole process of grieving except for this week. 

one year are the two words that replayed in my mind 24/7...

one year..one year!!one year?? one year..

I planned, prepared, planned more and kept busy. 

And it paid off because our Give a Quack fundraiser was a unbelievable! 

WOW is all I have to say, we are truly lucky to have such amazing people in our lives who come and support my little broken family! 

Thursday was probably the hardest day for me this week. 

Thursday was the day that I gave birth

Thursday was the day I said hello and she said goodbye

Thursday is the day my heart has never stopped breaking

and this Thursday was not even better. 

BUT on friday the live Butterflies came in this small box.... I was so nervous that these little symbolic creatures would not fly when we released them or even worse what if they were dead?!?! 

Wouldn't that have been a slap in the face.haha

Then my sister Katie came into town just for me! It was so nice to have her come and help out with something that was so bitterweet. We had a blast as sisters, even though i put them to work and was so emotional we still had a great time together, we shopped, ate, ate more and then the big day....

So many wonderful people came and helped me out. It always amazes me how people show their love and support. I'll forever be greatful for them in my life. Then we had an amazing band that played, while little kids got their face painted, people purchased and decorated their ducks, and then had popcorn, snowcones, izze juice and much more to munch on before the duck release! 

I gave a little speech, and did really good not to cry my eyeballs out

This is it. 

Just like butterflies we too wish IzzyJane could have stayed, but we are blessed to have seen her and to have her create such a beautiful foundation. We hope as this foundation grows, families who lose a baby will fill supported and not alone, as they have their beaclets to bond them together forever. 

We want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for lifting us out of our darkest days and supporting us in this foundation. It is because of your unconditional love, support and hope for a bright future that our foundation has grown this far. 

IzzyJane is our beautiful butterfly who has taught us about the meaning of butterflies. We too our like butterflies, on a long journey. We encounter endless change good/bad which morphs us into our even finer souls...A NEW LIFE...with more lightness understanding and beauty. 

Let us release the butterflies and celebrate our IzzyJane

 The Butterflies came in these little enevolpes and most of them flew, but stayed around us. Danny's didn't want to leave him. Our friends said that is Baby Cruz, he's staying on earth forever!

The 30th is a day I will never forget.....

I love you IzzyJane

Imprint on my heart

Its June.....
The month that I waited for 9 months to see my daughter.
June
The month that I said goodbye to my daughter.
Its been a weird month. I remember last year "nesting"
organized every closest, cleaned every square inch of my house
Organized IzzyJanes room, Cleaned and folded her clothes
Talking to her, telling her to come out.
I was ready for her and wanting her so bad.
She did come out and I had to walk out of the hospital empty handed

now its June... again.
I still am ready for her and wanting her so bad!
who have I become, because this has happened is one thing
but who i wanted to be is another thing. a mom
I have learned, grown, compassionate, caring
but i am also bitter, confused, lost
all without my daughter.  Its a weird place to be in.
I can't believe its been a year.
I should have the cutest one year old little girl,
I love toddlers
I love teaching them about this crazy world
I love learning from them, watching them watch us.They are so innocent and unconditionally loving.
I love Laughing, Exploring, Growing with children.
Instead I have had to learn how to live again without all these joyful moments, enjoy what I do have.
Love my family, Love my husband
Love my freedom of going on trips whenever wherever.
Love sleeping in.
But i could have still loved these things having a beautiful daughter to be on my hip giving big kisses too, and teaching her how to say mom and dad!

1 years old and it honestly hurts like it was yesterday.

 Now having her brother in my belly, I can feel him. He can here me. I tell him everyday, please don't leave me! I get so nervous that I'll wake up and not feel him move. It haunts me.

I wish I could go back to that innocent pregnant girl.
Instead I cherish every moment I have with him.
I love to play up my belly and show him off, I love to talk to him, I love feeling him, I love him!
Instead of looking forward too seeing him, i just am with him in every moment I have with him.
He is here, he is kicking me, he is growing, he is alive!
I love this little man! (he really is kicking me good right now, cause he is breeched and so i feel every kick in my blatter hahaha)

I'm excited to celebrate IzzyJanes first birthday!  I purchased 36 live butterflies to be released at the party. I know she will love it from above. What we have done because of her is a beautiful thing, I  love it and it also breaks my heart. I know she is proud and misses us as much as we miss her.

Love you my Izzy, my butterfly, my angel! Happy 1st Angel day my love!

IzzyJane's 1st Angel birthday party!

Flutterby IzzyJanes 2nd FUNDRAISER on her Birthday! JUNE 30TH SATURDAY AT 4pm! At mountain view memorial  3115 East 7800 South Salt Lake City, Utah 84121 You can buy rubber ducks and race them to win big prizes. The grand winner will win $500!!! 1 for $15 or 3 for $25 all the money goes to families faced with the financial burden of funeral expenses! BUTTERFLY RELEASE SNOWCONES A BAND FACEPAINTING AND BRACELETS FOR SALE! Come and enjoy a fun saturday filled with lots of love and prizes

p.s If you know of anyone that could help provide prizes like gift certificates to spas, restaurants, sports stores ext ext please contact me.

I sing to him

You are my sunshine my ONLY sunshine
you make me happy when skys are gray
you'll never know dear how much I LOVE you
so PLEASE don't take my sunshine awhile

The other night dear while I was sleeping
I dreamnt I held her (izzyjane) in my arms
but when i woke up i was mistaken

SO please don't take my SONshine away! 

IzzyJane and Baby Boy you both know how much I love you for you are the only ones who know what my heart sounds like from the inside. You know how much i want both of you and how i would do anything to have you! Stay strong for me. Love you both, You are my sunshines! XOXO