Thursday, February 28, 2013


I remember the words of encouragment all too well.
Did I take them in? Or did they roll off my shoulder?
Many people tried to make the Molly they knew come back.
I knew it would take more than just their words to bring me back out of the darkness.
I will never forget those dark days that are behind me. I Shutter just thinking about of awful they were.
One day I was in Target and of course avoiding the baby isle. This old man smiled at my tearful face.
Could he tell i was breaking? Could he see how much pain was in my whole being? I believed he could. The tears where rolling down my face, how could he miss them.  I walked to the car and thought  I was having a heart attack, I needed to go be with Izzy. I drove to the cemetery and called my cousin who had lost her first baby boy. I just pleaded with her to give me some encouraging words. To tell me some kind of words that might make it feel better, or that there was a purpose for all of this pain. The words she uttered to me I will never forget. You will be an even better mom, You will love your children with a different kind of love and appreciation, because you had to fight to get them here, and you have a baby that you will have to wait to hold kiss and love when you return to heaven.
And that is what got me through.
I did have to face the nightmare again
I did have to get pregnant
I did have to give birth again
and this time I was the best mom I could be!
I have loved on cruz the moment he was inside me.
I loved being pregnant (even though i was scared shitless)
I loved giving birth to him
I have loved the night time feedings,
The lack of sleep
The sore nipples,
His cries
His pee and poo all over me
all of him!
All because I had to fight to get him here. Every ounce of me had to get him here, for i knew he would make my heart happy, he would lift the dark cloud and I will be the best mom to him because I have loved and lost my sweet little baby girl, who i do miss and search for!
The little things that most people may complain about (with good reason) those things don't phase me.

I love every time he cries in the night, asking me to come hold him, feed him and rock him to sleep.
I love the bond that is unbreakable between a mother and her children
I love that he loves me, needs me, and knows that I Will take care of him
I love his smiles, his smell, his soft skin on mine.
Every time he nurses he rubs his hand on my chest, I always grab his hand and hold it and kiss it and wisper I LOVE YOU
He warms my heart.

I had to face my nightmare and do it all again, and it was worth it!
I love my children and miss them when they aren't close by.
I do feel IzzyJane's spirit.
I wonder who she would be, running around with blonde hair, blue eyes.
Would she be funny, sweet, sassy, shy???
She is almost 2................what? how? when? it feels like yesterday that I said hello and goodbye

but because of her I love so much deeper. xoxoxoxo

My babies! 

I think they look like eachother. 
chubby cheeks
cute button nose
lucious lips
head full of hair 
beautiful spirits! 


Renel said...

I hear you my friend. All that love just oozes out of us. We give all the love that we wanted to share with our first girls to our other children. All that love. Never sorry for a cry or the need. So happy to have the opportunity to care for them. Your children are beautiful.

Gina Myers said...

Molls I love your blog. You are so honest and sincere. You are the best mom and Cruz and Izzy Jane love you so much! So happy I got to see you last week and meet the little Cruz man. You and Danny are just the best. You are remarkable parents and I just think the world of you!