encouragement

I remember the words of encouragment all too well.
Did I take them in? Or did they roll off my shoulder?
Many people tried to make the Molly they knew come back.
I knew it would take more than just their words to bring me back out of the darkness.
A BABY
I will never forget those dark days that are behind me. I Shutter just thinking about of awful they were.
One day I was in Target and of course avoiding the baby isle. This old man smiled at my tearful face.
Could he tell i was breaking? Could he see how much pain was in my whole being? I believed he could. The tears where rolling down my face, how could he miss them.  I walked to the car and thought  I was having a heart attack, I needed to go be with Izzy. I drove to the cemetery and called my cousin who had lost her first baby boy. I just pleaded with her to give me some encouraging words. To tell me some kind of words that might make it feel better, or that there was a purpose for all of this pain. The words she uttered to me I will never forget. You will be an even better mom, You will love your children with a different kind of love and appreciation, because you had to fight to get them here, and you have a baby that you will have to wait to hold kiss and love when you return to heaven.
And that is what got me through.
I did have to face the nightmare again
I did have to get pregnant
I did have to give birth again
and this time I was the best mom I could be!
I have loved on cruz the moment he was inside me.
I loved being pregnant (even though i was scared shitless)
I loved giving birth to him
I have loved the night time feedings,
The lack of sleep
The sore nipples,
His cries
His pee and poo all over me
all of him!
All because I had to fight to get him here. Every ounce of me had to get him here, for i knew he would make my heart happy, he would lift the dark cloud and I will be the best mom to him because I have loved and lost my sweet little baby girl, who i do miss and search for!
The little things that most people may complain about (with good reason) those things don't phase me.

I love every time he cries in the night, asking me to come hold him, feed him and rock him to sleep.
I love the bond that is unbreakable between a mother and her children
I love that he loves me, needs me, and knows that I Will take care of him
I love his smiles, his smell, his soft skin on mine.
Every time he nurses he rubs his hand on my chest, I always grab his hand and hold it and kiss it and wisper I LOVE YOU
He warms my heart.

I had to face my nightmare and do it all again, and it was worth it!
I love my children and miss them when they aren't close by.
I do feel IzzyJane's spirit.
I wonder who she would be, running around with blonde hair, blue eyes.
Would she be funny, sweet, sassy, shy???
She is almost 2................what? how? when? it feels like yesterday that I said hello and goodbye

but because of her I love so much deeper. xoxoxoxo

My babies! 

I think they look like eachother. 

chubby cheeks

cute button nose

lucious lips

head full of hair 

beautiful spirits!