Friday, July 20, 2012


My goal these last 11 weeks of pregnancy

my thoughts
my answers
my fears
my worries
my "needs"

My world just seems so complicated to me, yet to everyone else its "soooo exciting" 
To put it simply, I am scared, I am tired, I am nervous, I am terrified, I am confused, I am grieving. 
I wish I was excited, happy, innocent, but i am not. How do you walk away from the hospital without your baby and leave her, only be buried... and then try it again with no control of the outcome?!?!?
I think to myself often, does anyone travel down the same path that causes so much pain, suffering, and loss just to have HOPE that it'll all work out the second time you try it? 
I don't think many people do beside childbirth, and marriage. Two HUGE things that we hope to love this person forever, and hope for the best outcomes, yet, it can all come crashing down on you in a matter of seconds....

so these last 11 weeks I hold my breath, and my belly, embrace the little mans kicks, and wish away to the time when I am holding him in my arms. 
Seeing his little eyes look up at me with knowledge that his big sister lead him here safe and sound, hearing his little noises, cries, screams,
smelling that newborn smell and feeling his chest rise and fall with every beat of his heart. 

ohhh how I ache, long, yearn to have all these things...12 months ago...I now ache, long and yearn for this little man to come into my life to fill this hole in my heart. 
Cruz, You are my son shine, 
so God, please don't take my son shine away! 


Whitney said...

I kept meaning to comment on your 30th post but kept forgetting.
First, I want to say how amazing your IzzyJane celebration was. I am so glad we came and so glad I got to meet you! It was a perfect celebration for your perfect butterfly :)
Second, it's amazing how comforting that song (you are my sunshine)is. It is our song for Felicity and the theme for her first birthday this Sunday! We are doing a sunshine and rainbow theme for our rainbow baby. I can't wait for you to get your rainbow baby. I know how scary the last few weeks are, hang in there!
I would love to talk to you some more! We should get together sometime. I can't remember if I read this on your blog or just assumed it, but do you do hair?

Renel said...

You look great (and tiny) holy schnikies I look
Like a Giant whale next to you :) I totally get the hope and fear and lack of excitement. I can not wait to look into our babies eyes!!!

Paula said...

You look beautiful. So excited for you as you move closer to meeting your little boy. ;)

Ashley Richards said...


Hang in there! Ah! I do wish I could fast forward time. I believe with all my heart that little Cruz is coming, and he is coming to stay. Just keep doing what you are doing, because you are doing so well.

Come on little son shine - get here quick!

Love you - Ash

Natalie said...

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PHOTO OF YOU! Love the song! So so cute!