Simplify

My goal these last 11 weeks of pregnancy

Simplify 

my thoughts

my answers

my fears

my worries

my "needs"

My world just seems so complicated to me, yet to everyone else its "soooo exciting" 

To put it simply, I am scared, I am tired, I am nervous, I am terrified, I am confused, I am grieving. 

I wish I was excited, happy, innocent, but i am not. How do you walk away from the hospital without your baby and leave her, only be buried... and then try it again with no control of the outcome?!?!?

I think to myself often, does anyone travel down the same path that causes so much pain, suffering, and loss just to have HOPE that it'll all work out the second time you try it? 

I don't think many people do beside childbirth, and marriage. Two HUGE things that we hope to love this person forever, and hope for the best outcomes, yet, it can all come crashing down on you in a matter of seconds....

so these last 11 weeks I hold my breath, and my belly, embrace the little mans kicks, and wish away to the time when I am holding him in my arms. 

Seeing his little eyes look up at me with knowledge that his big sister lead him here safe and sound, hearing his little noises, cries, screams,

smelling that newborn smell and feeling his chest rise and fall with every beat of his heart. 

ohhh how I ache, long, yearn to have all these things...12 months ago...I now ache, long and yearn for this little man to come into my life to fill this hole in my heart. 

Cruz, You are my son shine, 

so God, please don't take my son shine away!