Friday, August 26, 2011

Bravery Is...

{for a bereaved mom} I stole this from another broken heart mom, and added to it.

... getting out of bed every morning without crying
did this today...

... putting on mascara {not the waterproof kind either} and embracing the day
didn't even attempt 

... checking facebook even though she's sure to find pictures of infants, uterus', and random updates about how happy {or even worse, unhappy} their friends/acquaintances are in pregnancy
did this today...

... going to baby showers and congratulating friends on their new babies
missed out on my cousins baby shower

... checking the mail despite the heavy amounts of baby paraphernalia

... checking email with the likelihood of developmental update ones where "your baby" is at this point in their life.

... going to Target and walking past the baby aisles

... looking in the mirror to see that "mom body" she longed for but now loathes as a reminder of what she is missing 

... watching television and seeing the tunnel vision of babies everywhere you look

... going to church and praising God in the greatest storm of your life
... going to church and seeing new babies/families/moms
did this last sunday...

... going to Costco on the weekend. Is it me, or is every single family and child in that place on Sat./Sun.? 
did this today also

... becoming pregnant again  with all the anxiety that comes with subsequent pregnancies after a loss

... walking into the OB/GYN and not hyperventilating upon seeing all the pregnant women and infants 
did that one today...
...standing up to those jerks people who attempt to "console" you by offering reasons why your baby had to die. Medical or not, they aren't ever helpful.
... laughing, smiling, and seeing the beautiful sunshine that is new every morning despite our struggles and sadness
yep tried to do this today

... explaining to a stranger that your child has passed and for once not making the effort to console them 
did this one today...
...having your milk come and not having a baby to release the pressure/pain
done with this...thankgoodness! 
...having a room ready for your baby and having to pack it up or leave up cause its to painful 
her room is still up and cute as ever

{these obviously aren't all true of me... but I find these acts to be courageous}


Renel said...

Ugh...the body thing...just talking about this with my mother today. I had a hard time with my body during and after my pregnancy with my son and learned a hard lesson about being kind to myself. Now with the death of Camille I feel 20+ pounds overweight for no particular reason for it. Yes there WAS a reason but the reason is dead so shouldn't that nulify the excess weight and body issues with it? that seems like the least the universe could do for us with all the CRAP we have to deal with too. I like this list. I try not to console ANYONE..we have the right to be miserable. When people express how sad they are I say thankyou. The closest I get to consoling is when people apologize for asking when I tell them Camille died and I say "it is okay, you asking, I appreciate your interest. It is very sad. Gotta keep, keep'n on.

Anonymous said...

love you...... looking forward to a few more of those "bravery" moments being checked off!
You are amazingly beautiful!!!!
cried today with a random lady on the phone about izzyjane, she comforted me with her stories!!! ha ha
Plus she told me to get baptized!?!?!

love your sister,

Chad and Megan said...

Love you,
you. are. SO. brave. :)

Kate said...

Hi, i've come over from Renel's blog. I'm so sorry that you're here in this often/always dark place and I'm so so sorry that IzzyJane isn't here with you and her Dada. She is just beautiful, and those photos - oh my, they took my breath away.
I totally relate to the body part of this. Mine is forever stretched and now has a permanent massive scar from belly button down, and constant reminder of loss.
Love and peace and strenght to you.

Ashley Richards said...


You are so brave to write down your feelings when they are so overwhelming hurtful - no one understands. Thanks for letting me be privy to those sacred raw feelings. I think about you all the time and know that you are hurting. How can you not? How can you go on? That tug a war is real and I am so sorry you are in the middle of that.

IzzyJane is so beautiful. I love these pictures you post, but I cry every time I see a new one. My heart just aches for you and Danny.

I love you so for trying to live.

Love you - Ash Richards