Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Tug a WAR

The best way i can explain my thoughts is like a game of TUG A WAR

I hate my life-------------I have an amazing life
9 months is a long time----------------I have alot of 9 months left
I want to work---------------I dont want to work
I want to be invisible-------------I really do like people talking to me
Don't talk to me-----------Please talk to me
I don't want to talk about it-------------How do you not talk about it
I want to get pregnant asap------------I'm fearful of getting pregnant
I am happy for other preganat women-------------I am so jealous of pregnant women
I love reading "the dead baby blogs"-------------I hate reading them, It breaks my heart
My heart is broken-------------I still have a beating heart
I don't want to do life without IzzyJane------------My life is without IzzyJane
I can't wait for Izzy to send down her siblings--------------Yep I can't wait!!!!!!

SO now what?

I guess i should go talk to a therapist------------She can't bring Izzy back. BUT Hopefully she can help my heart, brain, and fear

Please Please Please still talk to me, I hate that I am that "girl" that when I see you, you think
"oh my gosh here she is...dundundun....what do I say????"

 Heres what you say

I am sooo sorry
Your daughter is beautiful
I wish i was a magician and could change this outcome
It just sucks
Lifes not fair

and trust me, by not saying anything is worse, you can't say anything wrong!

I am healing second by second, yep I still cry every second
I do feel the strength of others
I appreciate all the cards, letters, and calls
I wish I could send out thank you cards to all who has touched my heart

Even though my heart is broken, I have an even bigger heart.

I love my IzzyJane! I miss my IzzyJane!


Renel said...

The dichotomy of thoughts and feelings is so hard. It is really very polarizing even within ourselves. I am SO grateful when people say such a simple thing like acknowledging our babies or asking her name or genuinely asking how we are doing. It seems so hard for people but really it is so easy. If only they knew just how easy it was to be kind.
I feel exactly the same way you do. Sending you lots of love.

I also wanted to say:
I am sooo sorry
Your daughter is beautiful
I wish I was a magician and could change this outcome
It just sucks
Life's not fair

The Sorensen's said...

Hang in there. Go see a therapist if you think she can help. I think it can. It's just up from here. Then you can get your ethnic hair extensions. You are the best! Don't forget that!

Katie said...

perfectly said!!! LOVE YOU!


those are from roo who got my computer

damian-kallie said...

I love your post. I am sure a therapist would help you alot. Just to have someone to talk or vent to. I love you molly and want to hang out with you. You are an amazing girl!

The Wadsworths said...

Molly, I am guilty of this. I have wanted to say something to you but had no clue what to say, I am sorry! I do want you to know that my husband and I have been praying for you and yours like crazy! Our hearts are breaking for you. IzzyJane IS beautiful and we are so sorry!

Daughter of God said...

Tell Danny to give you a huge hug, then say thanks because it was from me. :] Love you girl!!
Amy Young

Melissa and Allen said...

Hi Molly- I know its been a LONG time since we've seen each other but a friend just told me your story and then we figured out that I knew you. First i want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. It makes me sick and I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I pray I never do. Also, I know that you have already found other "dead baby blogs" and I honestly don't know if they are helpful or not but I know of 2 that I wanted to share with you. One is a good friend of mine who lost her baby last September 2nd. Her blog is http://whitneykyle.blogspot.com/. She just had a baby girl last month. The other is a girl I don't know but she did a lot of journaling and maybe you will be able to relate to her thoughts and feelings. She lost her baby in June of 2008. http://joshandcali.blogspot.com/ and http://www.babymckallister.blogspot.com/

I hope they can give you some comfort and show you how time will help heal your heart and you will have a sweet baby to hold in your arms soon. You will be in my prayers.
Love, Melissa Webb Campbell

Whitney said...

Hi Molly,
You don't know me, I am a friend of Melissa Webb Campbell and she just emailed me the link to your blog in hopes that I might have some helpful words to say to you.

Almost exactly a year ago (September 2) I lost my precious baby boy Maximus at almost 38 weeks pregnant. We had the same situation where we went in for an appointment, only to discover his heart had stopped beating. I went through the pain of labor for 2 days and then delivered my angel via c-section.

The months following that moment were nothing short of a living nightmare. I know what it feels like to be "that girl." I felt like everyone now referred to me as "that girl who just lost her baby." It was an awful feeling, a feeling of complete isolation. And although I had the help of my husband and family and friends I felt completely alone and empty. I felt as if nothing and no one could help piece back my broken heart.

I don't know you and I don't know how you cope with things but I hope you don't mind me sharing a little advice about what helped me through this awful nightmare.

The biggest thing was talking about it. I am a very open person and I needed to express my feelings. On top of that I wanted to make sure no one forgot about my Angel and my experience. It was so important to me that that experience and my Max was not just brushed aside. Some people won't ever mention anything to you and like you said, the silence is worse than the fear of saying something stupid or wrong. That always hurt me the most.

I would recommend a therapist. I never tried out the support groups (the one I was constantly referred to was "Share" I have heard amazing things about them). By the time I was ready to join one I was pregnant again and worried that talking about our babies that had passed would only stress me out more during an already stressful pregnancy. I wish I would have joined one though. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are the only one experiencing such a loss. I really think the group would have helped me to not feel so alone. I also did not go to a therapist until I was about 6 months pregnant and had had one too many mental breakdowns about my pregnancy. Talking to someone who is not so closely involved in the situation helped so much. I'm not sure where you live but if you are in the Salt Lake valley I would highly recommend Kent Griffiths. He is amazing and helped me out so much.

Your loss is still so fresh. Allow yourself time to cry. There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying. You will find that you will go from crying every second of every day to crying less and less. I actually found myself feeling guilty. I remember the first time I laughed after losing my baby. I immediately felt guilty and thought that I was forgetting my angel. Don't let those moments of joy get you down. FInd something every day to smile about, whether it be a sweet memory of your angel or something not related to her. She wants you to be happy. She wants you to find happiness in simple things.

I am about to hit the one year mark of losing my sweet baby and a year later thinking about it brings such anxiety and sadness. I have been extremely blessed to get pregnant so soon after losing Max. I tell myself every day how lucky I am that I have an angel on earth on the one year anniversary of my angel in heaven. Does having my baby girl take away the pain of losing my baby boy? NOT AT ALL. I honestly thought it would, but to tell you the truth it almost makes the situation sadder. I now know what I missed with my Max. With every cry or smile that comes from my baby girl, I ache a little inside for not getting to have those moments with him. However, if we had not lost our Max my sweet baby girl would not be here today. She would not even be a thought in our minds. I can't imagine my life without her and am grateful every day to her older brother for making it possible for her to come to this earth when she needed to.

Whitney said...

(it would not let me post my whole comment in one go...sorry it is so long. Here is the rest...)

Someday (hopefully soon!) you will be pregnant again. I know how scary and anxious that second pregnancy can be. Don't let your fear overpower the beauty of carrying another sweet spirit. Whenever I would get scared and breakdown I would tell myself to enjoy this pregnancy because it may be all you have with that baby. I cherish every moment I had pregnant with my baby boy and I was able to do the same with my second.

Allow yourself to be happy. Time really does heal a broken heart. I have said that there will always be a piece missing in my heart for Max. A piece that will be missing until I hold him again some day. It is okay to reserve that spot for your angel.

I hope some of this has helped. I really hope I have not made anything worse. Every one is different and copes differently. Please feel free to email me any time at whitneydhawkins@gmail.com Melissa linked to my blog. I did not write a lot about my situation on the blog but I am very open and would love to talk anytime through email. We are, unfortunately, a part of an exclusive club now. And although I don't know you, I feel like I do because of our experiences.
My heart aches for you and your husband. I truly am so sorry for your loss. And, your angel is BEAUTIFUL!

Whitney Hawkins

Charlotte and Dugan Frehner said...

I am so sorry and will contuine to pray for you and your family always. You are incredible.