Wednesday, October 05, 2011


My mind is on repeat, that repeat is a nightmare. There really is no other way to look at it


You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I am living through this horror. It scares me. I hate it. and I can take the next thing that comes along!
I replay the nightmare of going to the hospital having the doctor say theres NO HEARTBEAT....
I replay the nightmare of calling my family....
I replay the nightmare of delivery....
I am a nightmare, I have no baby inside me, or a baby that i am taking care of.

BUT then

I saw her, my baby
Love at first sight. she is so BEAUTIFUL
9 months of wondering who she would look like
what traits she would have from Danny or me.
9 months!  and then i saw her, my baby
love at first sight. she was so beautiful
graceful, elegant, precious

I will never forget that moment
it took my breath away

I wish she could have seen me, the one who took care of her for 9 months.
the one who loved her, feed her, excerised with her, danced and sang with her.
If only our eyes could have meet just for an instance.

i am trying to delete my nightmare and make it a DREAM
a dream where you can't remeber the bad parts
and when you wake up you remember the good parts.

I had a baby
I have an ANGEL

I am not a mother
I am a WIFE

I have a nightmare
I have a DREAM


FOUST said...

I admire and am ispired by your vulnerablitly. Your expression is so softest, and so strong. I love you and thank you for sharing your heart. xoxo

FOUST said...

*soft- lol

Renel said...

I replay my own nightmare over and over and over. I was alone at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning and had to call my husband. I relive it over and over. I remember seeing her when I gave birth, the doctor said "she is so beautiful Renel" and turning to my husband and said "we had a girl" because we were keeping it a surprise. I too wish our babies could have looked into our eyes. There is a mama at my support group who's baby only lived for 5 hours. I read about other parents who have had to make the decision to turn off life support...I can't imagine that pain...BUT I also wish I had seen a life force in my daughter. I felt it and knew it but never got to SEE her alive, except on the ultrasound where we saw her yawn and stick her tongue out. SIGH. I wish I could have seen a life force in my daughter. It breaks my heart. You are a mother. If your child had died at 18 would you no longer consider yourself a mother? I don't think so. You grew IzzyJane, she is your daughter, you are her mother. She died...You are still her mother. I HATE this, for both of us. I hate the recurring nightmare on cycle. I hate it, I hate it. I don't want this...for either of us.

Katie said...

Love our sweet IZZY JANE

Ashley Richards said...

Too sweet for words Molls! Every time I look at IzzyJane I just cry. She is so beautiful and perfect! I love what you said about wanting your eyes to meet just once! Oh how I wish that could have happened too. It must be amazing to carry and feel that precious life inside you. You truly are connected, and I know IzzyJane knew the sweet sound of her mother's and father's voices.

Love you! Ash