Tuesday, November 29, 2011

getting easier YES getting harder YES

its getting easier to live but its also getting harder.

easier in the fact that I'm getting used to the idea that my izzyjane is not here
easier that my body is no longer healing form giving birth
easier that i am alive and that I'm doing alot of things to live and love
easier that i am keeping her spirit alive
easier that i know she is proud of me

harder to know that she will always be gone
harder that my body isn't pregnant 5 months later! :(
harder that the holidays are coming. I have always been a scrooge when it comes to Christmas, Izzy was supposed to make it easier for me, and now its that much harder. I want Christmas to go away, i don't want to even see baby Jesus, or Marys belly. I have such a hard time seeing newborn, its like pepper spray is being sprayed in my eyes every time I have to see one. That's dramatic i know, but that's how it seems.
my eyes cry and cry and the sting in my heart doesn't leave.
Halloween was tough. I had planned alot of fun activities cause I love Halloween. Then I was all dressed up with my family to go trick er treating and the first house we went they serve hot fresh donuts and there was like 5 baby's in there cute little outfits. i broke down right then and there.

I seriously can't imagine how Christmas is going to be.
i am trying to make the best out of it though.

We did a festival of tree in honor of Izzy and other moms that have to go through this. it turned out beautiful!

We are going our first fundraiser this Friday at the J. Brooks Jewelery designer show. It should be amazing!
I am excited to see all the support that will be there! I hope I can feel IzzyJanes spirit close to me!

We are going away for a week to a beautiful sandy ocean! That will be amazing!


K Walton said...

Glad I got to see you both tonight! What an amazing tree. Everybody is different, but for my parents, honoring my sister's memory in any way they can is the best way to keep her near. <3

Teddy, Scott, & baby Jane said...

Oh Molls I love you. You're amazing. I wish I could throw my arms around you. You are such an example to me and so strong. Thank you for inspiring me. I hope you're Christmas is wonderful and that you can truly be happy and feel joy. I'm so glad you have such an amazing husband who loves you so much. Hang in there babes. I think about you so often. I hope I get to see you over Christmas time while I'm in town! xoxo

Katie said...


Ashley Richards said...


What a beautiful tree! I'm so glad you guys were involved in that. I think your words describe this time perfectly. Thanks for sharing when it's so hard. I'm excited for these fundraisers you are holding and hope you have great success. I know IzzyJane is close to you. You are her mother and always will be. I believe with all my heart that we have ministering angels surrounding us, and IzzyJane is and always will be one to you and Danny.

I'm so glad you are getting away. I was going to suggest getting away for Christmas. Even though you cannot make that day go away, maybe you could remove yourself from your home, etc... where it would be harder. The holidays are especially difficult and I'm so sorry about that.

Hope to see you soon!

Love you - Ash

Dragonflies said...

I just found your blog... I saw the article on KSL and cried for you because I went through the same thing in August 2010. My husband and I had a still born daughter we miss her daily. I would really like to share my blog with you because it is always nice to know your not alone. I share the entire story of our little girl and life after. I'm also going through my first pregnancy after having our daughter.


I would also like to ask you a question about doing a guest post on my blog about the Flutterby Foundation and your story.

Renel said...

Hi there mama~ I was thinking of you today and our sweet baby girls...I can't find a way to contact you via email and your flutterby blog is no longer active. I just wante you to know you are in my thoughts as always. How did we get to 6 months? feels like yesterday and an eternity. Love to you my friend.