Sunday, January 01, 2012

my 6 Month thoughts

Wow my baby girl would have been 6 months this month. weird....
I feel like a 6 month baby is a huge mile stone, they are usually on a schedule, they are starting to interact, smiling and making cute noises...I want all that... I am jealous of all those who have it. I'm jealous of the joy a baby brings to life. I am jealous of those that don't know this pain.

I absolutely hate the emptiness that I feel. I look at pictures of when i was pregnant,
and ask "WHO is that girl?" I look happy, innocent, full of life, and so excited for the life ahead.
Now when I see pictures of me I see so much pain in my eyes. Maybe thats why some people don't talk to me anymore, I look too sad... uhgh and i'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry that people have to be careful around me, I hate that too. My friends and cousins are having babies, i'm excited for them, i am hopeful that they will have a good outcome, and i am happy for them! I know they are sad for me and they are being careful around me. I hate that!

I want all to know that this is how I feel about pregnant women, delivery and babies.

I am happy for you!
I had a great pregnancy!  I would love to talk about my experience, what made me nauseous, what I craved, how she moved, how I never went into labor ughhgh, and to ALWAYS know that we have a motherlys instinct!!
I had a great delivery, I love talking about it!
I gave birth to a beautiful girl.
I want to hold MY IzzyJane, so if I don't want to hold your baby, be understanding. Its hard to hold a baby when I can't touch, see, or even smell izzy! TOO much pain.
But I do want to see you and your baby! It's hard but thats the way it is. I know that!
I honestly don't like the sounds of a crying baby. It's a noise I never heard coming out of Izzy, and that is painfully excruciating.
I don't mind you complaining about the hard things that come to being a mom, cause lets be honest i'm sure its an adjustment. But just know i would die to have any hard thing that comes with a baby.
If you let me complain about my baby belly fat or even saggy boobs,  i'll let you complain about it too. I think women's bodies should go back to normal after all the sacrifice we go through!

I am writing these things because I want people to know where i stand so your not awkward with me and you know that i am TRULY happy for you! If you can't handle my thought about this that's ok, i understand. I hope one day I will be able to have a "normal" experience where people will want to talk about my experience cause hopefully my next baby will be breathing, crying, and pooping! I will always compare IzzyJane to my other pregnancies. She is all of me just like your babies are all of you! She will always be in my thoughts, she is apart of my family. She has a nursery waiting for her other siblings to take over her bed, clothes, diapers, binkies, etc etc.

she is my first and I love every moment of who we were together, and now, who we are apart....

What it boils down too is that I HATE THIS and I'm trying to be "normal" but it's hard to navigate through this mess!

What I do love is that I have an angel who is helping me give back to others and I have more awearness of others.

IZ IS and that IS Love beauty and healing! Thanks IZzy for making me awaken to beauty!

10 comments:

Amanda said...

Molls-
It was sooo good to see you the other night. Seriously, you amaze me. I think of you constantly and hope you know even though we lost touch I am ALWAYS here... and would LOVE to be a friend when you need one. I love you!

FOUST said...

BEAUTIFUL MOLLY,

I LOVE LOVE your posts and I am so amazed at your vunerability. Can't wait to see you in person so soon and just BE with you.

LOVE YOU MOO!!!! XOXO

{Brooke} said...

Molly,
You do look really beautiful, regardless of what you may think of yourself. I want to get together with you. Call me! Love you and miss you

GMyers said...

LOVE YOU PRETTY GIRL! I think your eyes still shine. You are wonderful!

Gina

Vic, Linds, and the girls... said...

I still think of you lots!! You are such an inspiration to soo many people. Xo

cfrehner said...

Thank you for the Beautiful Post.

Ashley Richards said...

Molls,

You are so good to write this stuff down. I can't even tell you. This is exactly what others need to hear so they know what to do around you. I don't know why things become so awkward but they do, and we have to share with others how we are feeling.
I can't believe Izzy would have been 6 months old. I can picture the age in my head and wonder what she would look like now. I loved what you said about hearing crying babies - that used to bother me but for different reasons. I know you would have given anything to hear her wail for a while. We take these little things for granted don't we? After reading your blog, or Coleman's, or others who have experienced heartache, and my own infertility, it makes me grateful for the little things. Especially the little things my boys do that are normally an annoyance. You make me grateful for messes, screaming, complaining, no showering, no exercise, little sleep, etc... :) You will experience those things one day in the near future and you will joy over them. How wonderful is that? I just wish it was Izzy you were experiencing it with.

I know you will keep her memory alive always and I love that you will. I would love to see what her nursery looks like. I bet it's darling. Those things in it are hers and I'm sure she has been able to see all that you had prepared for her.

You are wonderful! Love you - Ash

Renel said...

I hear you. I find it incredibly hard to be happy for other people and be sad for myself simultaneously. I say I am happy for them and their beautiful alive babies...I know somewhere I actually am. BUT really mostly I am just jealous. I don't want someone elses baby...I want Camille and it all comes back to how incredibly unfair life can be. How can our daughters have died and others lived? it doesn't make any sense. Negotiating the happy and sad is tricky. I don't know when I will be more happy or more sad. When someone's baby will set me off or I will want to pick them up. When a baby cry will cut me like or knife or phase me not at all. Sometimes the people I am the most happy for I am also the most frustrated at for not understanding the torture that is life when my baby is dead. I hear you when you say you are happy and you are sad. Because it is the truth. When your baby dies...you go crazy and trying to be rational in the aftermath is difficult. Sending so much love at the 6 month mark of forever without our babies. It was particularly hard for me this past month and I think of you often. Love and light to you my friend.

Lauren said...

Hi Molly, my name is Lauren and I have been very touched by your story. I had my first baby a boy Logan in Oct. right after I had him your story came on the news so I started following your facebook page. As I have read through your blog I have felt so many of the same things and it helps me because I often feel so alone in this. No one wants to talk about it because they don't know the right things to say. But I need to talk about my baby like you need to talk about your Izzyjane. She was an absolutely beautiful baby girl. Thank you so much for sharing your story and helping me because you write it out so much better than I can. My email is dal.pass@gmail.com if you'd like to stay in contact. I know it would be nice to have someone to talk to who understands. =-)

Bec said...

Molly, My name is Becky. I came across your blog from a flyer I got at the cemetery my father is buried at in Sandy. I will definitely be at the rubber ducky derby. We just moved here from Arizona and I know God led me to your blog and your foundation. What an amazing thing you are doing to help so many!

My little Elliot was stillborn last September and it is so nice/tough/comforting/heart-wrenching to read your posts and know how you feel and wish it were easier for you and for all of us who understand such loss. We will never be the same but the depth God has granted us will help us to help others. I know there is a purpose to this pain even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it! I saw that you are now pregnant and I admire your bravery. You and your husband and baby boy are in my prayers. Thank you for who you are, what you are doing and for being willing to share your story with the world.