Tuesday, May 01, 2012


Ha even typing the word holidays just makes me laugh, not a funny laugh but a dry stupid laugh.

I honestly think they are soooooo over rated!

Why? Because people buy cheesy decorations, outfits, too much candy, useless gifts, and then the expectations are what kill me the most. So much expectation, traditions, and alot of emotion and disappointments.

So with me saying all that I have hated every holiday that comes without my izzyjane, i hate not doing all the things that bugged me and it would make the holidays more fun buying outfits, gifts, pictures, new "traditions"with our izzyjane. Its again all so over rated when the one thing that you miss the most is not in life to celebrate it with....so what holiday is coming up??..??...??
MOTHERS DAY.....................................................................................................................................
its like a slap in the face its like a knife stabbed in my heart Its like a hahahaha look at you
How do I even embrace this holiday with a smile on my face, and to just be grateful for the mothers in my life. I am grateful for these women but its a day that last year I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, a day that is another reminder that i am not a mom....on earth....yayaya i know i'm a mother but lets be honest, its sucks! I have had to have a good attitude with all the other holidays but not this one.
SO my sweet Danny is running away with me. I'm excited to pretend like its not mothers day. Just another day in a different city.
When Izzy died i think that's all i said "I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY"
No body would let me, i had to endure Halloween. seeing a cute baby in a lamb outfit
i had to have a "thankful" thanksgiving
I had to pretend like Christmas was the most wonderful time of the year.
Happy new year....phugh
Easter without buy a dress for izzyjane
and so now i can run away for mothers day!!!!!
and then we have to endure only one more holiday fathers day,

IzzyJanes1st Birthday.... ha (another dry laugh) Its almost been 1 year....
How is that possible?
my heart has not stop hurting any less than when I didn't hear IzzyJanes heartbeat...
We do have big plans to celebrate her. We will do another fundraiser and that will make the day a little bit brighter.
the conecpt of time boggels my brain. 10 months? 10 months.... 10 months!!! 10 months
how, when, where did all the time go? Time literaly flys by wether its good or bad, i'm not sure.
I'm glad its not as fresh when IzzyJane first left this earth,
but i'm sad that I do not see her at 10 months
I'm sad i have no milestones, no smiles, no teeth, no cubby cheeks, no crawling, no rolling, no smiles.
no nothing........ just tears tears and more tears. A brokenheart. ha happy mothers day.

just for now i'm breathing...and thats okay..


Whitney said...

I know exactly how you feel. Last mothers day was one of the hardest days since losing Max. Everyone kept saying "you are still a mother" that meant nothing to me. It was easy for them to say as they carried around their own babies. You deserve to escape. You deserve to grieve this mothers day. Don't let anyone make you think you need to fake happiness. Although I have a baby in my arms this mothers day I will still be sad, still grieve for what could have been with my firstborn. I still miss him every day. I still cry most days. That will never end. And it shouldn't. So even though it may not feel like one to you, happy mothers day to the mother of a beautiful angel, too perfect for this world. It takes a special mommy to do what you have done

Renel said...

Molly. Ugh. The holidays are hard. It's trusty in my brain too, even having a living boy to celebrate with, because I should be the mother to two babies and only one is here. Mothering in our hearts is not like mothering in real life (obviously) and so we do our best... But why not escape and go away and be together?
We want to get a new bed and bedroom set, get new hardwood floors and go to Hawaii. We can't afford all three. I hope your vacation is lovely. Can't wait to hear how you spent it.

Renel said...

Twisty, not trusty.

Vic, Linds, and the girls... said...

I can't even imagine the pain you feel. You are an inspiration to many. I think about you lots!! xo

Nicole said...

Yeah, Mother's Day...just ugh. I have to say that last year's Mother's Day was pretty much a kick in the gut. I was able to tell everyone that I just wanted to ignore it, though. (I went through the motions on all the other holidays) And even though Caroline's little sister is here with us this year, Mother's Day is still a day that I'd rather just skip altogether.

I will be thinking of you!