My brain worries, has fear, doubt , disbelief
My heart is shattered, therefore cant reason with my brain!
I want to reason with both!
Brain, don't worry, have no fear, have no doubt!
Heart, you can heal, you can still love!
Being open to what has to come next....Get pregnant, get nauseous, "plan for the future"?!?!?!
which by the way, why do we "PLAN". I swear that's what kills me the most!!!! I had every thing planned. I had a swimsuit, a snowsuit (yea a cute Burberry one), every outfit washed and folded in her drawers, bows for every outfit, shoes, baby blessing dress. Sunscreen, baby wash, butt paste, bikinis, bottles, nipple protections, nursing bra, rocking chair, crib, picture frames hung waiting for her pictures to go in them, oh yea her first photo shoot was scheduled. Sparkling Clean house, organized closets, drawers, carpets cleaned, diaper bag ready, Car seat in the car ready with a toy hanging down. EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF I PLANNED FOR HER! she should be here.....................................................................................................................................................
flat line, just like her heart and mine
anyways what comes next? don't plan for the future, take one day at a time, work on my foundation, give to others, enjoys time with Danny, go on trips with friends and family.
Flutterby
12 years ago
4 comments:
I get the planning or rather the not planning...My 5 year plan certainly looks different today than it did June 29, 2011. I get mixed up though because I feel betrayed by time. By the plan by the "what should have been"... I want to look forward to the future. I want to be joyous and carefree. I have a son who has a future worth looking forward to and planning for. So what do we do? I keep thinking maybe I should have short term goals and long term ideas. Short term goals are measurable. Get out of bed, brush teeth, clean kitchen. Tomorrow, go to the park etc... Long term ideas: I would like to have another baby, I see myself happy on the beach with my children, going on vacations, camping, yummy dinners, etc... I guess the ideas are dreams without direction or time frames. This is how I am trying to look at things because as we have recently discovered, plans don't always come to fruition.
Oh Molly, this post! The flatline near the end. All that planning. It's just so gut wrenching isn't it? And the battle between heart and mind and the incessant chatter.
I'm sorry that all those plans for IzzyJane went out the window. It's so unfair, all of it.
I live pretty much one day at a time, as much as I can. It just feels too scary to think beyond tomorrow. Love and light to you. x
PS - I looked at your link to Sharon McKeeman, her photography is just beautiful, thanks for sharing.
I Hate It I Just Hate It!!! I just Hate knowing all of this & that I can't fix it for you... I am so Mad right now I just want to scream!!! I Hate that I live away from you I hate that I have not been there Physically to hold you or cry with you or just BE with You.. I am Just living in HATE right now.
I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH. MAY WE ONE DAY FIND COMFORT IN THIS PAIN. I MISS YOU I MISS IZZY
PLEASE TELL DANNY WE LOVE HIM AND SO SAD THAT HE IS NOT HOLDING HIS BABY GIRL.. HE IS THE BEST WITH BABIES I JUST HATE THIS........YOU WERE MORE READY THAN ANYONE I KNOW TO HAVE THIS ANGEL FOR HEAVENS SAKE WHY WHY WHY
OK enough of my ranting too ;) xoxox
this post is heart wrenching. i just want to make things right for you. I am crying out to God for you, just like I did for my friend S. telling Him it isn't fair, begging Him to fill your arms. Fill them with a baby girl to heal your heart and fill the place you have prepared for her.
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