Imprint on my heart

Its June.....
The month that I waited for 9 months to see my daughter.
June
The month that I said goodbye to my daughter.
Its been a weird month. I remember last year "nesting"
organized every closest, cleaned every square inch of my house
Organized IzzyJanes room, Cleaned and folded her clothes
Talking to her, telling her to come out.
I was ready for her and wanting her so bad.
She did come out and I had to walk out of the hospital empty handed

now its June... again.
I still am ready for her and wanting her so bad!
who have I become, because this has happened is one thing
but who i wanted to be is another thing. a mom
I have learned, grown, compassionate, caring
but i am also bitter, confused, lost
all without my daughter.  Its a weird place to be in.
I can't believe its been a year.
I should have the cutest one year old little girl,
I love toddlers
I love teaching them about this crazy world
I love learning from them, watching them watch us.They are so innocent and unconditionally loving.
I love Laughing, Exploring, Growing with children.
Instead I have had to learn how to live again without all these joyful moments, enjoy what I do have.
Love my family, Love my husband
Love my freedom of going on trips whenever wherever.
Love sleeping in.
But i could have still loved these things having a beautiful daughter to be on my hip giving big kisses too, and teaching her how to say mom and dad!

1 years old and it honestly hurts like it was yesterday.

 Now having her brother in my belly, I can feel him. He can here me. I tell him everyday, please don't leave me! I get so nervous that I'll wake up and not feel him move. It haunts me.

I wish I could go back to that innocent pregnant girl.
Instead I cherish every moment I have with him.
I love to play up my belly and show him off, I love to talk to him, I love feeling him, I love him!
Instead of looking forward too seeing him, i just am with him in every moment I have with him.
He is here, he is kicking me, he is growing, he is alive!
I love this little man! (he really is kicking me good right now, cause he is breeched and so i feel every kick in my blatter hahaha)

I'm excited to celebrate IzzyJanes first birthday!  I purchased 36 live butterflies to be released at the party. I know she will love it from above. What we have done because of her is a beautiful thing, I  love it and it also breaks my heart. I know she is proud and misses us as much as we miss her.

Love you my Izzy, my butterfly, my angel! Happy 1st Angel day my love!